A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
