my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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