I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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