You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
