his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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