I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
