i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
