look no pants
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
