she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
