im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
