I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
