I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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