Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
