Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
