She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
