My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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