he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize