she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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