Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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