the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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