I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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