Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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