i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize