Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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