I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
