the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Randomize
