Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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