We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
