I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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