In the future we'll all be gay
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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