when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
