we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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