my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
