he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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