its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
