I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
