Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Success! We fucked roommates!
A bitchslap is in order.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
