apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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