DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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