remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
