yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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