And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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