Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
