I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
