i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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