Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
