i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
