I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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