My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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