nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize