my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
