I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
