the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
