hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
