Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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