I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
