i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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