i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
