two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize